Sorry I Wasn't Enough For You
by Bitter Shadow
Summary: Takes place after the final episode of the third season, The Titanium Ninja. Cole's constant like the earth he controls, while Zane is forever changing. It's not fair, it'll never be fair. Disclaimer; I don't own Ninjago. (I don't know if they still have the Bounty after season 2, but I'm using it anyway)
1. Chapter 1: Snowflakes

_"__Now that she's back in the atmosphere_

_I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane_

_Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land__." -Drops of Jupiter, Train_

"Cole?" Nya breathed cautiously, standing in the doorframe. "Cole, come inside already, you'll freeze."

Cole rubbed his hands together, his eyes glazed over, peering at some distant future across the Bounty. He sat on the rail, his legs swinging lifelessly over the dark night below them. Snow floated down around them, leaving a light dusting on the ship.

"I'm fine." he forced his voice out. "Go inside."

She sighed and played with a strand of her short black hair. "Cole, please-"

"I'll go in soon," he interrupted her, trying to keep his voice low. It wouldn't crack. He was the leader of the group. He couldn't show weakness. "Just go to sleep."

She knew she wouldn't get him to budge. He was so stubborn. She shivered, snowflakes catching in her black locks. There was no way to get him inside, she knew. And it broke her heart. She wanted him to be safe. But he was ready at any moment to throw it all away. "Please don't stay out too late." she threw a blanket over his shoulders and with that she went back inside.

"Where are you?" He whispered once she was gone. "Where did you go?"

He reached out a hand and caught a snowflake. He watched it as it melted in his trembling hand. "It should've been me."

_No, _he swallowed hard. _It couldn't have been. Never have I done anything so courageous in my life. _He chuckled dryly and thought back. _It wasn't that he was fearless. If I told him to run, he'd run. He didn't even know who he was back then. But he changed._

"You were always changing, weren't you?" he spoke out again, hoping something in the night would hear him. Hoping his sweet words would bring him back so he could embrace and tell him how much he meant to him. Hoping he would never leave again. Empty, desperate wishes. "Sweetest white ninja, my innocent pink ninja, forgive me brave titanium ninja." his voice cracked slightly. "For I never changed. Not even my clothes. I was always the black ninja. Fitting isn't it?"

He gritted his teeth to keep them from chattering. The cold would kill him one of these days. But it was the only thing that made him feel like Zane was there. "Black, because I am the mourning ninja. You were a little butterfly, weren't you? You changed, you let go of your earthly tethers like fear, and now...you're free."

Tears started to well up in the corners of his eyes but they froze like crystals on his dark eyelashes. He raised his voice a little, letting it be carried away on the chilling wind. "You're flying free, but I'm still here! I'm stuck on the ground forever! Please...don't leave me," his anger deflated, and once again he was left with the silence of the night.

He let the blanket slid off his shoulders, landing in a heap behind him in the thin layer of snow covering the deck. He let himself slip, falling forward into the eternal darkness. He let his eyes flutter close. He let his limbs numb with the freezing air and the razor sharp ice pellets.

He let himself fly.

Before he hit the ground, he pulled out his scythe and transformed it into his vehicle, stopping himself from tasting the bitterness of the end. Refusing to give in to that sweet release. Then he drove. And he didn't stop. He didn't ever want to stop. He knew, come morning, his remaining brothers would be out looking for him. And they'd find him. But for now, he was as free as he'd ever be.

But as he rode through the unforgiving night, he heard a raven caw. And that's when he let go of his composure and cried.

"Where did you go?..."


	2. Chapter 2: Missing

_"I tossed and turned in the end,_

_With no one to talk to,_

_I searched again and again,_

_But I never found you" -Up All Night, Owl City_

A ninja clad in white stood in front of him. "Zane?.." he breathed, afraid to move too quickly as though he was afraid he'd blow away like flower petals. The white ninja tilted its head slowly, watching him with empty eyes. He reached out a hand to Cole. Cole went to grab it, a smile trying to find its way onto his tired face. But all of a sudden, slowly, too quickly, he turned from white to a metallic color.

"N-no...wait, stop," he became increasingly frantic. "don't, please..."

The metal ninja-no, the titanium ninja-began to rust. Cole reached for him desperately but kept coming short, his legs refusing to move. He watched wide eyed as the ninja was worn away to nothing.

"What makes you think you're so special?"

A thundering voice surrounded him. He looked around for the source. It sounded like Zane. God, it sounded like Zane. "You weren't able to do what needed to be done! You knew!" the voice boomed. "You knew one of us wouldn't be leaving that day!"

"I-I didn't...I swear, I didn't," he spoke meekly, unable to defend himself. His knees felt weak.

"But you couldn't step up to the challenge! So tell me, what makes you so special? Why do you deserve to live? Is it because you're not a robot, you're real?"

Cole froze, his heart encased with fear. He couldn't speak, the words caught in his throat. His body felt gelid. He didn't deserve to live. He let his eyelids close, limbs numbing once more with the cold. He could feel frost forming on his body and he remained still. Who was he to fight?

"Dude, do it again, I think it's working," Jay's voice drifted into his mind. _No, I can't die here. The others...I've got to take care of the others. _He groaned a little and opened his eyes. This time, instead of seeing that black expanse of nothing, he could make out the pastels of the early morning sky and two concerned ninja.

Kai rubbed his hands together, a couple of sparks fizzing with the motion, and he placed them on Cole's chest. The quiet cold Cole was feeling was suddenly replaced with a burning sensation.

"Gah!" he sat straight up, glaring at the red ninja. "What was that for?!"

Jay hugged him tightly. "Aw man we thought you were gonna freeze!" since Zane was gone Jay had gotten a lot more physical, demanding the touch of others without speaking. They didn't talk about it either, it was an unspoken rule now.

He glanced over his shoulder, expecting to see Zane shake his head or be caught up in some daydream when he remembered why he left that night in the first place. "Yeah, well, I didn't," he sighed. _I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left in the first place. It's not like me to be reckless. Maybe I'm changing._

Kai smiled at him. There were black bags under his eyes like he hadn't slept in a while. He tried not to let it show, but losing Zane was taking a toll on him as well. "Glad you're okay. We were worried when we couldn't find you again this morning." Cole didn't like the accusing way he said "again," but he let him continue. Lately he had been finding himself disliking Kai more than usual. He wasn't just ticking him off, sometimes he felt like getting into a fistfight with him for no particular reason. "Luckily you fell asleep while you were driving and you didn't get too far."

He looked around and saw his scythe a few feet away. When the ninja fell unconscious, the weapons would revert back to their normal forms. He stretched and let out a yawn, Jay still glued around his waist. "Let's head back to the Bounty."

Kai stood first, then Cole did, easing Jay off him. Jay glanced down and followed behind them at a distance. _where did his humor go? Where did the days where we'd walk together laughing go? _

He knew exactly where those days went. They had gone with Zane.

"You can't keep doing this," Kai mumbled back to him. "We can't spend the day looking for you. We aren't getting any sleep. Neither are you."

"I'm not the reason you can't sleep," he spoke through his teeth and looked the other way. "Maybe if you didn't-"

"Please don't fight guys," Jay tried from behind them. It was rare for him to speak up when they were going at it. "We need to work together. Sensei Wu said he has something important to tell us."

"Right," they said halfheartedly at the same time. Cold glanced behind him one last time as they walked. Right. There were still just three of them.


	3. Intermission

_"One track mind like a goldfish, stuck inside my petri dish"_

I need to stay focused. The electricity was frying my brain but I couldn't let go. It's the only way to stop him, I've calculated all the possible outcomes and this is the only one where we come out victorious.

_"I can't breathe and I can't smile, this better be worth my while"_

My thoughts began to short circuit. I have to focus, I have to-oh god, oh god I'm not breathing! I-I'm not breathing! I-no, I don't need to breathe. I'm a machine...I'm just a machine...I need to do this, I can't back down.

_"I feel numb most of the time, the lower I get the higher I'll climb" _

I'm the only one who can do this. The others...I can't help but smile a little thinking of them. I'm the most expendable member of the team, realistically, it has to be me. Jay, Kai...Cole...I'm so very sorry. I've only caused you trouble.

_"And I will wonder why, I got dark only to shine" _

But now I'll finally be able to do something. I'll save you all. I'll save all of Ninjago. I'll be worth something. You've...you've done a good job making me feel worth something, but it's about time I earn it.

_"Looking for the golden light, oh it's a reasonable sacrifice"_

It doesn't hurt as much. My pain receptors must have been destroyed. My body is buzzing, it's getting ready to commence a full shut down. It'll be nice and quiet. Everything is so loud I can't hear a word. But it'll be quiet soon.

_"Forgo family, forgo friends, it's how it started, how it ends"_

I had no one, I didn't even know who I was. Thank you Sensei, for giving me a family. Thank you father, for making me useful to them. Thank you brothers, for accepting me so kindly. Thank you-m-my legs! Where are my legs? I-I've lost them! No, no, calm down. You're fine, you have to focus.

_"I can't open up and cry, 'cause I've been silent all my life"_

And thank you Pixal...thank you the most. You taught me something so important. You taught me what it was like to believe you're human again. You taught me what it was to love. And perhaps...I liked the time I spent with you the best. I don't think I'll ever truly understand what you've taught me so patiently, but at least you gave me those moments of happiness.

_"Ooh, I get dark, and I'm in hell, I need a friend, but I can't yell"_

I-it hurts...I thought...I thought the pain stopped...F-father...someone...please, make it stop...make it stop!...I...I'm panicking again...I need to relax. I feel like I'm burning, my metals glueing together in the heat. I need to look him in the eyes. I'm not weak, I will pull through.

_"Yeah and I'm no good, no good to anyone"_

I can't help but smile now. Everyone...thank you...thank you so very much. It was an honor to live and laugh and fight beside you all. I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. You took in the odd orphan boy and you made him your ally, you made him...your friend. And that's so much more than I deserve. Thank you...

_"I'll light up the sky, stars that burn the brightest fall so fast as pass you by"_

I can't feel anything now...I'm numb through and through. My thoughts are melting away...I can't focus, and I don't need to. This is where it ends. Truly, it was an honor...

_"Spark like empty lighters." -Numb, Marina and the Diamonds_


	4. Chapter 3: Bad Man

_"I'm so scared to make another mistake in the end,_

_But I just want to be happy again..._

_With a broken heart and a straight face,_

_I'm saying, 'Brother, help me.' " -For My Brother, Blue October_

Cole's thoughts devoured him. Each one fought for a hold in his heart, tearing and ripping and stinging as they went. Every waking hour was just dedicated to letting analysis destroy him. His eyes were burning. They were always burning.

"What's wrong with you?!" He blinked and turned as Kai snarled. Jay was collapsed on the ground, Kai dutifully crouched at his side. He walked closer, telling himself to run. _I should care, I do care_. But he couldn't make his legs go any faster.

"What happened?" he spoke, eyebrows knit with concern. Kai glared at the ground, helping Jay up into a sitting position.

"Maybe if you paid him any attention, you'd know!" Kai sighed in defeat. "I don't know, he just fell over."

Jay's skin was frighteningly pale and his hands were trembling. He leaned heavily on Kai, clutching to his arms. He opened his eyes slowly, but they looked glazed over. He coughed, looking terribly frail. Disgustingly weak. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I'm okay..."

"When was the last time you ate?" Cole asked softly. Kai glanced at him in surprise then looked back to Jay. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes.

"I-I said I'm sorry..."

"I'll carry you back," Kai whispered and picked him up, carrying him closely pressed to his chest. He shook his head quickly.

"You can't...I'm okay, I can walk..."

Cole swallowed, knowing what this was about. Jay didn't want Nya to see him weak like this. He wanted to be strong around her. He was suffering the loss of his brother and a broken heart.

They were all wasting away to nothing. He would freeze, Jay would starve, and Kai...he didn't want to think about that right now. It didn't matter right then. What did matter anymore?

"Don't be stupid, if I put you down you wouldn't even be able to sit up. I'll get you something to eat when we get back." Cole glanced away. Kai was taking control of things nowadays and putting Cole's leadership to shame.

"I'm not hungry...I-I'm not..."

"Wouldn't it be nice?" a twisted smile grew on Kai's face. The idea amusing him was clearly not a nice one. "Wouldn't it be nice if you could eat your own heart? Just take a bite and not have to eat, take a bite and your pain goes away bit by bit. When you finish it you don't hurt anymore."

They looked at him horrified. "Kai, are you serious? That's...that's just gross." Cole said, trying to lightly drop it and then forget it for good. But Kai just grinned at him, a demonic glowing in his viridescent eyes.

"I bet it would taste like Zane. I bet he tasted like wires."

"S-stop!" Jay cried, growing paler if possible. "Don't say that!"

"Why not?" he growled, his expression darkening. "Who's going to stop me? Is Zane coming back from the dead because he can't take a joke? Don't you want him back?"

Cole couldn't take it anymore and punched him in the face. It made a nasty sound and he dropped Jay, clutching his cheek with one hand and bracing himself with the other. Jay whimpered as he hit the ground, scrambling to get up. Cole threw his arms over his shoulders to help him, panting slightly.

Kai straightened back up, a reluctant groan escaping his lips. They stared at each other for a long time. Cole wasn't sure what he was seeing in those eyes. The only thing he could make out was himself staring back. He looked like a madman. He had just hit his brother. Kai's soul was falling apart and he was crying out for help. And he hit him.

"There you guys are!" Nya yelled, running over. She smiled breathlessly. "What's taking you all so long?" she froze as she took in the scene, a frown growing on her delicate face. "What happened? Were you guys attacked?"

"Don't worry about it sis," Kai interrupted, his hand still hovering over the side of his face. "The bad man's gone now."

Cole swallowed hard and nodded. She looked between them and sighed, turning her attention to Jay. "Is he okay?"

Kai started to explain Jay would need some time, but Cole stopped paying attention. He was bothered by what just happened. Zane wouldn't have let them fought. Zane would've made sure Jay ate. Zane would've kept the team together.

Cole tightened his grip on Jay as the thought that tore at him reemerged in his consciousness.

_Why couldn't it have been one of us, anyone, anyone else, instead?_


	5. Chapter 4: Changes

_"Took a plane to somewhere out in space, _

_To start a life, and maybe change the world,_

_You see I never meant for you to have to crawl,_

_No I never meant to let you go at all." -Flowers for a Ghost, Thriving Ivory_

They got back to the Bounty with heavy hearts, no one saying a word. Kai went forward and opened the door, one hand still hiding his injury. Nya helped Jay in and Cole followed close behind. She led him in silence to where Sensei waited knowingly. Jay had said something about Sensei when Cole awoke, but that felt like ages ago.

Sensei grimaced and looked them over, his patient eyes decoding them. Cole straightened up instinctively. Sensei cleared his throat and spoke, "I'd like to speak to each of you individually." That was it. They nodded solemnly in unison.

They shuffled out of the room and waited nervously. "Jay, please come in here." Nya led him into the room and a few moments later she exited alone. She walked past them, sparing Cole a supportive glance before disappearing around the corner. He listened to her footfall until it faded, leaving him only with the company of Kai.

They sat in silence, he couldn't bring himself to speak. What could he possibly say? Nothing could make this better. Next time he might hurt him worse. Next time Kai might be the one attacking him. Everything was falling apart. Nothing could make this better.

"Hey," Kai started, his eyes cast down. "Remember that one time when we all got mad at each other for really stupid reasons? It was just Llyod messing with us, but we got into a fight. Not a fight, just a skirmish. But afterwards we apologized and laughed about it. Why isn't it that easy anymore?"

Cole shrugged his shoulders halfheartedly. "You think...you think it's 'cause of Zane?" Cole glanced at him in surprise. Partly because he took the words right out of his mouth, partly because Kai hardly spoke of Zane seriously since the funeral.

"I miss him a lot, you know?" he made these choking sounds and Cole froze when he realized he was crying. "I miss him a lot..."

Cole hesitantly wrapped his arm around the red ninja's trembling form. "We all do." Kai hadn't shown emotion like this for longer than Cole could remember. It made him look so much younger. He wasn't a threat, he was only a boy.

"I hope he suffered," Kai spat, his body stilling. "I hope it hurt him. It's his punishment for abandoning us!"

"Shut up!" Cole snarled. "What's wrong with you? One second you're acting like a decent human being and the next you're saying such horrible things!"

Kai glared at him, his eyes revealing the agonizing turmoil going on within his heart. "He left us to suffer! He abandoned us to dwell in pain! I hate him!" he ran. Cole didn't know where he was going, and he assured himself he didn't care.

"Cole," Jay whispered from the doorframe. Cole glanced over his shoulder at him. "Sensei wants to see you next." He nodded and entered, Jay hurrying off. Sensei Wu motioned for him to sit. He sat down obediently.

"How are you holding up?" Wu spoke gently. "I know lost has hit you hard, perhaps the hardest-"

"Not worse than Kai," he interrupted before thinking. Sensei nodded slowly. "O-or Pixal...it's just really bad for everyone." he tried to correct his mistake.

"I know he is in pain, but there is nothing I can do. We must only wait."

"Are you serious?" Cole stood, not believing what he heard. "There has to be somthing you can do-"

"Quiet!" he snapped fiercely and Cole fell silent. "I know you are worried for him, but that does not give you the right to disrespect your teacher! We are here to talk about you."

Cole sat back down and hung his head. Wu's expression softened. "Tell me what I can do to help you."

Cole looked away, his mind feeling numb. "There is nothing you can do. We must only wait."

Sensei frowned. "I understand you are hurting, but do not step out of line. I made you leader in hopes that you were respectful, obedient, and strong. Do not make me regret that decision."

Cole wanted to scream. He wanted to say he was going to change, just like Zane._ Just like Kai. _He stopped when the thought crossed his mind. Maybe only Zane could change like he did. What if he ended up changing like Kai did? Losing his mind to inner monsters?

He wanted to change. But did Kai?


	6. Chapter 5: Pity

_"A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar,_

_They're worth so much more after I'm a goner,_

_And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing,_

_Funny when you're dead how people start listening" -If I Die Young, The Band Perry_

They sat in silence, watching the floor. Sensei was reading him like a book and he was working on his own thoughts. They were occupied with Zane, he never got a break from Zane. What he wouldn't give to see that confused smile again...to embrace him, to beg for him never to leave again...

But what if Zane blamed him? He was their leader, after all, he should've figured something out. He should've stopped him. He should have done anything, anything would have been enough to show his brother in his last moments they love him. That they needed him. That _he_ needed him.

"Cole," Wu spoke up. "You may leave now." Cole nodded and stood, grateful for the moment of distraction.

"Should I go get...?" he trailed off. He didn't want to have to get Kai. Seeing him like that...even though Cole was their leader, Kai always tried to carry the team. He had so much heart, but that made it so much worse when it was broken. Guilt was forever worse than loss.

"Do not worry about him. I will get him when the time comes. You are dismissed." He started walking. Where was he going? Back to his room, he told himself. Back to his room. Yet somehow he found himself at Zane's room, halfway in the doorframe.

"Hey," he mumbled to himself, reliving old memories. Mere dreams now. "What are you doing? Get up already, sleepyhead." he shuffled over to the bed, his hand hovering above the crisp white bed sheet. He couldn't touch it. He couldn't ruin this last bit of Zane. He looked over at the desk opposite of the bed and drifted closer. The desk was as clean as the bed, blank except for what he left there the day of the funeral.

The eye stared up at him, the paint chipped ever so slightly. It would be haunting to see a part of a face like this in a clean empty room, but Cole was already being haunted. It was almost comforting instead. He stroked it, the flesh-like metal cold. Even on Zane it was cold.

"It's like you're here," he smiled weakly. "Always." The iris was transparent, it had been his own bright eyes shining through. Cole missed seeing that color. "You weren't supposed to go, you know that? Not ever."

This wasn't just something Zane owned, it was a part of him. It was the most important thing Cole had. He would protect it with his life if it came down to it. But it was only a mask. It wasn't Zane, it had never been Zane. This disguise couldn't be him, and it couldn't bring him back.

"I'm sorry...for everything. Even when you were alive, everything was just...you had to wear this," he trembled, clutching it in his hand. "You felt like you had to hide who you were from the world, and that isn't fair. You were beautiful and perfect...and the best of us."

"The best of us tend to die young, huh?" Nya gave him a sad smile. He turned to face her. She had that far away look in her eyes, like her heart was elsewhere. Maybe with Zane. The one place he couldn't reach. He'd never get either of them back.

"How long have you been there?" his voice cracked and he cursed himself. He was weak. They were all so very weak. She just shook her head and stepped closer, until they were a breath apart.

"You don't have to pretend it doesn't bother you," her voice was so gentle. But he knew. _You don't have to pretend because it's obvious. _He was a wreck, everyone knew. They looked at him with pity, or in Kai's case, spite. "Poor thing" they would say. "How terrible it must be for him" It made him want to scream.

Nya frowned as the look on his face went from the fear of being caught to anger. She didn't want him to suffer. She wanted to make everything better. She didn't want to see what happened to her brother happen to anyone else. That was why while they mourned, she had to be brave.

She touched his face and he tensed, but he didn't move away. She let her eyelids flutter close and she met his lips with hers. He was still like stone as she kissed him, afraid to move. Eventually, he pulled away. "I...I can't..."

She tried to get close again. "Why not?"

_Zane wouldn't approve of this. He'd be ashamed, he taught us better. We're a family, we're_ his _family. To take away the last thing that makes him smile... _He pushed past her to the door.

"Because I can't do this to Jay."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Hey! Thank you so much for reading! Thanks for all the favorites, follows and reviews! I needed an author note on this one because I made it that the boys have separate rooms. I know in the show they all sleep together and it's adorable, but for the sake of the story I decided it would be best for them to have separate rooms. So sorry for straying from canon (because I haven't done that a bunch already)! Also, I'd like to thank ABCSonicKirbyWarriors for her opinions on Kai and the bunch ;)


	7. Chapter 6: Impossible

_"Try not to mistake what you have with what you hate, _

_It could leave, it could leave, come the morning, _

_Celebrate the night, it's the fall before the climb,_

_Shall we sing, shall we sing, 'til the morning?" -C'mon, Panic! At The Disco (feat. Fun)_

He kept walking. He didn't know where he was headed, but it didn't matter. He just needed to get away from Nya. He needed to clear his head. Another distraction. Anything to keep him busy. His life since Zane was gone had just been distractions.

Then there was a sound. He froze, not believing it. Was he hallucinating? It couldn't be real. But he heard it again, and there was no doubt about it.

Someone was laughing.

He hardly recognized the sound. It had been so long since anyone was happy, much less laughing. He headed towards it, moving faster and faster. He didn't know why, but he felt excited. He felt this way before, but now it felt foreign. The feelings he used to have were just part of the hazy past.

The source of the laughter was Jay's room. He approached the doorframe and saw Jay sitting in the corner, hugging himself. His cheeks were flushed and tears pricked the corners of his eyes.

"Jay...?" he started, smiling a little. He took a step into the room and Jay looked up at him. He wiped his eyes and smiled brightly.

"Cole...I think I've figured it out." he sprung up and hugged him. Cole hugged back gently, looking at all the strange things in the room. Gadgets and failed machines littered the floor, the table occupied by wires and blueprints. The bed was covered in clothes and various junk.

"What did you figure out?" he tried to keep his words soft and quiet. It was difficult, his voice used to be loud. But he was still trying to change, slowly. And he couldn't comfort Jay with rough words.

Jay pulled him over to the table, pushing aside some of the mess. "I can bring him back."

Cole's heart stuck in his throat. His mind refused to process those words. "What?" Jay smiled again, eyes focused on his work, somehow knowing where everything was in the clutter. Cole knew that look, when Jay got an idea he was unstoppable.

"I can bring him back, I think I've got it," he chewed at his lip as he began to lay out his scribbled notes. "It'll take time, but I think I've got it."

"How?" now Cole didn't even have to try, his voice hardly came out. He swallowed hard. _Am I dreaming? This can't be real..._

Jay nodded to himself. "Building the base is going to take everything I've taught myself about robotics. But that'll be the easy part. Oh, Cole," he looked up at him like he only then realized the black ninja was there. "You've spent the most time with Zane, right? Statistically."

"I guess?"

Jay drummed his fingers on the table. "I'll need you later. And Pixal. You know it too, right? Part of him is still alive in her. Literally, she has half his heart. I could use it-"

"Jay," he interrupted, grabbing him by his shoulders and turning him to face him. "We can't just take it from her. It's her power source. Plus, it's all she has left of Zane."

He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Don't you get it Cole? When I'm done, Zane will be back! She won't need it to remind her of him, she'll have him! And the power grid is back up, she'll be fine."

"Do you know for sure?"

He shrugged a little. "The chances she'll be fine outweigh the chances she won't-"

"Then you can't risk it. You can't just play with lives like that."

He looked at him in disbelief. "Don't you want Zane back?"

"I..." he shook his head. "I don't know what I want anymore."

They stood still for a beat. Jay was trembling slightly, and Cole knew he was being harsh again. He hated himself for it. "...Why were you sitting over there?"

Jay looked down. "I was working then I just fell down." Cole sighed.

"I'm going to bring you something to eat and I'll be here until you eat it." Before Jay could protest, Cole was already in the hallway. His words were echoing within him. Didn't he want Zane back? Of course he did.

_So why not? _A voice slithered into his head._ Here's your chance to get him back. Why not?_

And no matter how righteous he pretended to be, he didn't believe a single answer he tried to offer.


	8. Chapter 7: Apples

_"Don't want to hand you all my trouble,_

_Don't want to give you all my demons,_

_You'll have to watch me struggle,_

_From several rooms away" -The Run and Go, 21 Pilots_

Cole reached the kitchen and began digging through the fridge. He had never been a good cook, but there could be something that didn't require any burning on his part. Anything would be enough, Jay just needed something. He decided an apple was the best bet.

Being in the kitchen made him think of Zane again. Zane had been a great cook. Another thing he was so much better at than Cole. He started to feel the painful throb of uselessness, the same he felt when he couldn't live up to his father's expectations. The same he felt when Zane was there fighting alone. But unlike with his father, he couldn't run away from Zane.

"Everything revolves around you, huh?" he mused to himself and threw the apple in the air, watching it spiral back into his grasp. It was as trapped by gravity as him. "You're the king of the world, Zane."

He tossed it again, but this time it didn't fall back on his hand. A calloused, slender hand caught it before he could. He glanced at Kai, whose bright viridescent eyes bore into his skull. The area around the eye he had hit earlier was an angry red, bruised purple in some places. He shifted his feet so his body faced him, giving him his full attention.

"Nice catch," he waited. No response, just a glare. Not even a glare though, it was more curious than it was bitter. He returned the burning gaze with his own silvery steadfast one. "Do you want something?"

Kai continued to stare, his form trembling, like he was fighting an urge. To do what? Cole wasn't sure. Maybe to tell him everything. Maybe to punch him for revenge. His injured eye twitched slightly.

"...does it still hurt?"

Kai glanced away. "Talk to me, man. I'm sorry...okay? I'm sorry. I got out of hand."

Kai grunted and chucked the apple at Cole. He caught it and sighed. "It's my job as the red ninja to get angry, so I can never forgive you." he looked at him with a dead glint in his eyes. "That was a joke, you can laugh."

"I haven't laughed in a long time," Cole spoke dismissively. A frown grew on Kai's weary face.

"Don't lie, I heard you. I know what laughter sounds like." _Maybe you do,_ he wanted to say. _But you can't tell the difference between your brothers' laughs_. He couldn't say anything though, because he didn't want to bring up Jay. His instinct told him not to let Kai remember him when he was in one of these moods.

"You caught me," he started, his mind racing for an excuse. But Kai smiled with satisfaction. _Alright, you wanted a confession. You wanted confirmation that you weren't the only dirty one, that I'm filthy too. Is that all you need?_

"There's no reason to lie to me, Cole. Don't you trust me anymore?" The look on his face was so innocent it made Cole cringe. This was the boy that was losing his mind. This wasn't the boy who died, this was the survivor, guilt ridden and sorrowful. He didn't deserve what was happening to him.

"I trust you, so you gotta let me help you," he rattled off without thinking. Kai glowered at him.

"That's it, then? You think I need help? You think something's wrong with me?" Kai sputtered incredulously. His animosity hardly hid the hurt in his voice. "That's not fair! Who do you think you are! You don't deserve to judge me! Y-you're a wreck!"

"Kai..." he reached out but he knocked his hand away. Kai turned away from him.

"I don't need your pity! I don't need your justice! And I sure don't need your help!" he stormed off, kicking a chair as he went, causing it to combust into flames. Cole ran over to it, tossing the apple aside. Kai was already gone. He tried to put it out with his hand and cried out when he got burned. He managed to squelched the flame, but his hand was still stinging.

He sunk to his knees and bit back tears. The skin was raw and red, black in the center of the burn. It didn't hurt like he was hurting on the inside. Not nearly as much as how Kai was hurting.

"Kai..." he whispered to the empty room. "I'm sorry..."


	9. Chapter 8: Trust

_"Wisdom's a gift, but you'd trade it for youth,_

_Age is an honor, but it's still not the truth,_

_We saw the stars when they hid from the world,_

_You cursed the sun when it stepped to your girl,_

_Maybe she's gone and I can't resurrect her,_

_The truth is she doesn't need me to protect her" -Step, Vampire Weekend_

"Cole?" Jay looked up as the black ninja entered his room. Cole made his way over to him, not meeting his eyes. He set an apple down on a pile of papers. Jay could see his eyes were red, like he had been crying. But Jay knew better than to point it out. It was better if Cole believed no one noticed.

"Eat it." Jay sighed and picked it up. He glanced at Cole and Cole stared him down. He knew he'd have to eat it or Cole wouldn't leave. He took a bite. Only then did he realize how hungry he was. He ate the entire thing in record time. Cole nodded. "Thanks."

"You don't have to thank me for eating," Jay uttered before turning back to his work. "Could you get Pixal for me?"

"I'm not letting you-"

"I just want to talk to her," Jay interrupted indignantly. Cole hesitated, knowing Jay could talk her into risking her life to bring Zane back. But he had already shown Kai his lack of trust. He needed them to know he believed them.

"Alright." Jay smiled in relief, and Cole wasn't sure if he made the right choice or not. He was such a terrible leader, he never knew what he was doing. He didn't know the difference between the right and wrong path anymore. Maybe what Jay is planning is the right move. He didn't know. He really was falling apart.

Cole headed down the hall, emerging on the deck. The fresh air hit him like a slap. He took in a deep breath, expelling his thoughts. Letting his emptiness fill with air before losing it to his frantic lungs. He walked over to the rail, leaning as far over as he could.

He gripped his scythe and hopped over, the wind roaring in his ears. He stretched out his limbs, spreading them wide to welcome the rush of air. He felt alive.

When he was a good hundred feet down from the Bounty he let out a scream. As loud as he could. It was wordless, just noise. But he put all of his heart in it. He yelled until he was out of breath.

He let his weapon transform seconds before landing. As he regained his breath he caught himself smiling. He wiped the sting from his eyes and his smile quieted, but it remained. He glanced away, feeling the rawness of his hand. A distraction, a reason to keep his eyes off the future.

As he drove he examined his burn. It didn't hurt as much now, but if he touched it the pain was agonizing. His thoughts turned to whether or not he should tell Kai he burned him. Initially he dismissed the thought as strange and foolish, but then he understood why. Kai was so guilt-ridden, to add another burden on his small shoulders just didn't seem right.

He didn't want to leave him with the weight of the world. He wanted to embrace him. _What was the point? _he thought bitterly. _What was the point of wishing to embrace Zane when it was too late? Why am I not spending this time to embrace my brothers who I still can hold? Love them before it's too late?_

But these ideas dissolved as he reached the city, where he had to focus on the roads. _Later, _he told himself. Always pushing things until later. He decided to go the long way so he wouldn't have to pass by the memorial. He couldn't bear it. He hadn't visited it since the day they made it. It hurt his heart, digging a hole in him, a reminder Zane really was gone.

He pulled up to the building and his weapon returned to its usual form. He sighed and looked up at all the windows. Seeing her would be rough. But he told Jay he'd get her.

So he bit his lip and pushed opened the door.


	10. Chapter 9: Love

**A/N: **Hello! I'm so sorry I haven't updated this story in so long. I was facing writer's block and wanted to have a good idea on where this story was going to go before I started writing again. Thanks so much to all my readers and reviewers, you all mean so much to me, and sorry again. I'll update more frequently now! Thanks for sticking with the story.

* * *

><p><em>"Goodbye my almost lover,<em>

_Goodbye, my hopeless dream, _

_I'm trying not to think about you_

_Can't you just let me be?" -Almost Lover, A Fine Frenzy_

Cyrus glanced up at the visitor. It was the black ninja, walking with his head low, drowning in his own thoughts and worries. Cyrus smiled sympathetically. The ninjas were so powerful, but they were so young too. The amount of pressure they must be under was unimaginable to him. Growing up a technical genius he had his troubles with bullying and school, not to mention countless nights lost to failed inventions, but nothing like what they were put through.

Things must have been tough enough for them as it was, but now with the lost of their nindroid friend...he shook his head. It must be just awful. He made his way over to Cole. "May I help you?"

Cole blinked and looked up, his eyes resting on the weary face of Cyrus. He looked...older, like stress was aging him physically. He was smiling, but his eyes overpowered his expression and left him looking distraught. "Yes, actually. I'd like to see Pixal. It's...personal stuff." Cyrus nodded and led him over to the elevator. He glanced at the ninja again, noting how the once confident leader now walked with a slump, dragging his feet.

"Take it to the top floor. She's not doing too hot, as you could imagine, so please be patient," he chose his words with careful precision, like he was dancing around a secret. Cole stepped into the glass elevator, nodding absentmindedly. "Let me know if you need anything else!" The elevator rose as Cyrus watched him disappear, his smile only then fading. "Anything at all."

Cole shuffled out at the top floor and looked around. He made his way over to the computers, freezing as he saw their monitors. Each one was a picture of Zane. Just looking at them made Cole feel violated, like Zane didn't know these pictures were being taken. It was just him doing ordinary things, but it bothered Cole. He let out an involuntary shiver.

"Zane?" A small voice whispered. Cole looked over a computer to see Pixal huddled behind it, her knees pulled in against her chest. Her face fell when she saw him.

"No...no, it's just me," he forced a comforting smile, but it felt plastic. "What are you doing back here?"

She shrugged a bit, her eyes glassy. A phone slipped from her hand onto the floor. Another picture of Zane. He was wearing the snowflake vest he was wearing the same day he met Pixal. Kai told him it made him look like such a dork but Cole had elbowed him in the ribs before he finished. The image offered only the dull throb of nostalgia in his heart.

"How are you doing?" He tried again.

"Dysfunctional. There is nothing wrong with my system, I have performed many virus checks, yet..."

"That's because the problem isn't with your system. It's right there," he pointed to her chest. "The part of you that he gave you."

She looked down, tracing her delicate fingers along her chest. "My heart. His heart."

He nodded. "You're going through heartbreak. You're grieving."

She shook her head, shutting her eyes. "I don't want this..."

His expression was grim. "No one does."

She opened her eyes again, scanning his hunched figure like he held an answer to a question she didn't comprehend. "I did not know love would be like this. I want it to end."

"Don't say that. Love hurts, but the joy outweighs all the pain. I know...he...he loved you until the very end." He swallowed, cursing himself for being so weak. He could feel tears threatening to fall. "So you have to do the same for him. Please."

She blinked then nodded, standing. "I will grieve for him. I will keep loving him. You are right, I cannot give up. He told me ninjas never give up. I was being foolish."

Cole didn't quite believe her. But it was enough for now. She picked back up the phone, clutching it like a lifeline.

"So, why did you come here?"


	11. Chapter 10: Travel

_"If you never say your name out loud to anyone,_

_They can never ever call you by it, _

_If I kiss you where it's sore,_

_Will you feel better, better, better,_

_Will you feel anything at all?" -Better, Regina Spektor_

"Jay sent me here," he explained. "He said he wanted to talk to you."

She slolwy blinked, processing this new information. "Why did he not come? Why would he send you?"

He kept his eyes cast down. What was he supposed to say? He wasn't quite sure himself, but he was happy enough to do what he was told. He grit his teeth, realizing sensei was right. He was obedient. Too obedient. "He hasn't been feeling to great. He's..." It couldn't hurt to be honest. "He's been refusing to eat and keeps locking himself in his room. He can't walk around much right now."

"Why would he not take in nutrients? Does he not need them?"

"No, it's just...he's grieving in his own way. He cried for a long time after the funeral." The words just kept tumbling out of his mouth. He wanted to tell someone more than he realized. "I wanted to help, but I didn't know how. I guess he's doing better now, but he's hurting. I don't like seeing any of them hurt."

She listened intently. She was so focused on him, she didn't realize she set down the phone. "And Kai's even worse off. He's losing his mind. He's having these outbursts and he's going to end up hurting himself. I don't want that to happen. But I don't do anything to help. I end up fighting him every time I see him."

He hung his head shamefully and she stepped closer. "Do not blame yourself. You are grieving as well."

He laughed humorlessly. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

She put her hand on his shoulder. "I will come with you to Jay." He glanced up in surprise but nodded.

Pixal was quiet the whole way back. The silence was thick enough to suffocate him. He gripped the wheel tightly. She glanced at his hand and gently touched it, causing him to wince.

"You are...hurt?"

He slowly stopped so she could examine his burn. "It's nothing bad. It was just an accident."

"Kai..." she breathed and looked up at him. "I am sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't worry about it. Like I said, it was an accident." His eyes met with hers. He was surprised by how green they were. The color was so vibrant, it reminded him of Zane's strikingly blue ones.

Before he knew it he became lost in those eyes. She really was like Zane in her own way. He was broken from his stupor when she touched his cheek cautiously.

"Please...do not cry..."

He blinked and felt his cheek. It was wet. He went to apologize, but before he could she kissed him.

He wanted to break away but it felt so right. He clutched her shoulders and brought her closer, kissing back. His mind was overtaken by thoughts of Zane and how she resembled him. In her polite manor of talking, in her slow but precise movements. Everywhere he looked, Zane was there. Kissing her made Zane come to life in his mind.

In the end, she was the first one to pull away. "I am sorry. I should not have. You do not need to cry." At this point the tears were cascading down his face. He rested his head on her shoulder and sobbed shakily.

"I-I'm sorry...I-I'm so weak...I'm sorry..."

She held him, rubbing his back soothingly. "You made me forget about him. I did not think of Zane when you spoke and that made me feel...good. I felt like I was free. I did not mean to make you uncomfortable and I certainly did not expect such a passionate reaction. Forgive me for hurting you."

"You're not hurting me," he choked out. "I'm the one hurting Zane..."

He was a sorry excuse for a ninja. Taking advantage of Pixal's grief for his own selfish reasons. But he could not just keep pitying himself. This taught him something important. She could be tricked too easily. If Jay got a hold of her, she would sacrifice herself. He needed to think of a plan.

But no matter how hard he tried to focus, he could not stop thinking of the taste of her.


End file.
